I am sorry to bore you all, but if this blog helps one scared woman or man, then my self help therapy (since this is what my blog is, personal therapy, where I can unload all) has been worth it and I have done my duty… I am hoping that by writing this here I can maybe, somehow help myself as well….

This entry is a chronicle of two weeks of terror….

HRH, Bull , Bluehair, and families are numb today. We have suffered a loss so tragic, and no reasons or causes can answer the WHY…

HRH and Bull have been impatiently awaiting the birth of BUMP since we first took a home test. HRH and Bull have been trying to have a child for some time now, and we thought our prayers had been answered when the little digital stick said “PREGNANT”.

We were thrilled. HRH first thought it was the dreaded menopause, since she is getting to “that” age.. But, NOPE, all the signs were there (minus the vomitting, thank GOD for GBS).

We began making plans for the future with BUMP and were all looking forward to a little one to arrive around Thanksgiving this year (HRH had her fingers crossed that the blessed and much anticipated event would happen around the 25th, for personal reasons). Bull was thrilled as this would have been his first child (Bluehair is mine from a previous marriage, but Bull claims him as his own flesh and blood son, no step children here, only “OUR SON”). The grandparents were all excited, driving us nuts with advice. Friends and family from near and far (on several continents) were busy making plans, going bonkers shopping, etc.).

So many lives affected..

Enter last Saturday, the day everything changed. Well, was about to change…

4 April 2009.. A day noone will soon forget..

As usual we were called to run errands for MIL, and forced to endure LUMP’s annoying presence and constant innane yakking…

Typical day….

But it wasn’t a typical day but none of us knew it yet..

I noticed a light spot of brown when I went to the loo.. Bull, being a first time dad, and Bluehair, just being Bluehair, rushed me to the nearest hospital Emergency Room.. (OK, I chose the closest hospital.. my mistake.. )

Get admitted almost immediately.. I tell them I think I am having a miscarriage.. (Mother’s know, don’t we, when something isn’t right?)….

Spend 6 hours in the ER, two Ultrasounds, pee test, and a ton of conflicting data..

Ok, We are told the spotting I am then experiencing is “OLD BLOOD” ( well hell sure, I’m old, so is my blood..) and it’s no cause for alarm, the cervix is still closed, so very good signs..

Results for urine testing comes back “CLEAR”??? Uh, pardon, what do you mean “CLEAR”? No answers, (those would be explained another day, at yet another hospital).. The sad shake and look of the nurse who gives us this info speaks volumes.. As if to say “I am so very sorry, but you are not pregnant”… But WE ARE Pregnant I want to scream…

Results for Ultrasounds come back, they can not find BUMP… I am told I am no longer pregnant…. DEVESTATION!!!! HRH, Bull and BLUEHAIR are shattered…

Enter the Nurse Practicioner….

I am informed that I am 14 weeks pregnant, and the baby is fine, healthy, just a mistake on first glance at the Ultrasound results… Healthy heartbeat, normal growth for 14 weeks, etc..
Hmm we all do a mental count on fingers and discover that would mean we got pregnant around Bull’s birthday… All the more special and that this child would be coming around Halloween.. Special!! But weird since I got my monthly 25 January??? Ok, I have heard it happens in some cases, so who knows.. Just elated and relieved all the same….

We rejoice.. What a rush, what a rollercoaster ride we have all been on in less than 5 hours…. He leaves to print out my discharge papers and prescriptions for prenatal vits and iron pills.. We are so relieved.. We did not know how short lived that relief was going to be…

2 minutes later, enter the Radiology Supervisor who informs us all that the fetus, OUR BELOVED BUMP has died that I was 6 or 8 weeks along, that some things with the ultrasounds didn’t look right, (excuse me what do you mean didn’t look right? no answers to that… ) and excuse us, but what just happened in the speard of two minuted to 6 or 8 weeks? 2 minutes ago we were 14 weeks along, now we are 6 or 8 weeks along??? This we ask, and the response we receive leaves us more confused, now instead of 6 to 8 weeks, as this doctor originally said, she changes her story and I am 8 weeks, no explaination, other than a mistake by the Nurse Practicioner… She tells us that yes, they did see BUMP on the Ultrasound, contrary to what the tech doing the ultrasound said, they did detect a heartbeat, but upon further review, it was just an echo of mine.. BUMP was dead, they were sorry but it wasn’t my fault…

Why do people, even medical professionals think that it is ok to share their life story with you, to achieve common ground? I did not care, nor want to hear that this Supervisor had the same thing happen to her? Had she had this happen she would realize that OUR world had just stopped and we were numb….We did not want to hear her commisorate that she had had an early pregnancy miscarriage and it was the same as mine..

No! NO IT IS NOT!!! This miscarriage, or threatened, possible, whatever the fuck they want to term it is unique, just as every miscarriage is.. Unique to the family sufferring it…

Ok, so we are somewhere , sorry accroding to the hospital, were somewhere, between 6 and 8 weeks along, which mathmatically works out, since again a mother knows and this time a mother has a feeling the exact moment she gets pregnant.. At least I do…

I am told to make an appointment with my OB/GYN within the next two weeks…

Rollercoaster crashes back to the ground out of control… Fatalities.. four and counting…

Sunday dawns and I am resolved that “That hospital” sucks and does not know anthing about anything. bull and Bluehair are in complete agreement… So, in an attempt to cheer HRH up, Bull and Bluehair take HRH shopping.. Bluehair is sworn to secrecy, Bull is buying plain wedding bands for now, since it was decided that HRH and Bull were going to apply for their marriage license tuesday… Bull still plans on buying HRH both diamond sets she wanted.. One for our official ceremony (the big shin dig in a few years) and the other for Gretna Green.. He is a romantic at heart… They pamper me even more by taking us oput for sushi at my favorite place..
Over dinner, Bull pops the question and the band on my finger.. Perfect.. God I LOVE THIS MAN!!! Feeling bouyed and happy for the first time in 24 hours, we are all at peace..

Monday morning, and we are all still confused, bouncing between believing “that” hospital, (should have known better than to go to a ghetto hospital used to dealing with only gun shot wonds and death; totally my own pigheaded fault for going there in the fisrt place since it was the closest and let’s face it, I was just as scared as Bull and Bluehair…) and going to another which speacializes in maternity and women, or going to work and making an appointment, (which would have been the 16th.. three days away from today..).

I opt to go to work, though my mind is somewhow not onbugs, I could give a fig.. I take my discharge papers, incase I can not make it through the day.. Almost to the building, I know I can not go to work today.. I have to know something concrete… Bull knew I was going to do this,but let me act tough and want to go to work…

Pull into the parking lot… Spy Dear DOC Y…. I rush to tell her everything.. She and my other counterparts firmly send me packing immediately to go to the other hospital.. Through many tears from everyone and well wishes from my Supervisor (who is a most wonderful woman, so compassionate) and crew, , I am thwarted from working to occupy my mind, and am instead sent packing to yet another ER..

Inform YARL of what we fear, and that we are going now to see if we can get anythign concrete as to whether we are miscarrying or not.. He sends us off with his love.. Yarl is thrilled with the thought of another grandchild and getting the son in law of his dreams.. What can I say?, we are all smitten with Bull, you can’t help but love him.. I know I can’t neither can my family and friends.. He is one of a kind..

Go straight to the ER at this hospital again and am immediately admitted… I am not experieincing any pain, and the spotting is light, and brown.. (so is old blood, but is a tell tale sign…) This hospital does another ultrasound, but explains that at 6 weeks, (ok, so I am only 6 weeks, not 8 or 14… YAY!!! one mystery solved…) the baby’s heartbeat may be so low they can not pick it up yet, totally normal… RELIEF!!!

The oncall OB does another exam, looks over “that other hospital’s” results and says he has no clue what they are talking about, everythjing looks ok, he can’t explain the 14 weeks, nor the 8 week “guess” nor all the other heartache they caused… But this could be a possible threatened miscarriage.. He is not precisely sure at this stage, we would all have to play it by ear, and watch the bleeding, but it could just be normal…

Discharged again, and off work for at least the next two weeks, and told to take it easy for the next few days, we are more content with having no new news, than two days ago..

I missed my qualifier at work, so two or more weeks off until a new project comes in.. Ok, I can deal with that, besides there is so much to do, doctors’ appointements to make, attornies to see, etc.. We are ok with this.. We are all more optomistic.. YARL has forbidden me to lift a finger around the house.. LOL I am definitely ok with that.. YARL issued the royal edict that HRH is not to carry groceries, laundry, etc, until after this baby is born.. I am ok with this … Infact pamper me all you will.. I am ready…

Bull reminds me after seeing the other hospital and still in limbo, that we can apply for our marriage license, which we do, all smiles.. Bluehair pays for it as his gift to us..

Ok, fast forward to this saturday, 11 April 2009… The day before Easter…

We are on the Bataan Death March in search of the perfect white suit/dress and shoes for HRH to get married at the civil ceremony in… Find both after hours of searching.. Hit the loo, since: I AM (1) gastric bypass and drink more than 2 gallons of liquid a day, and (2) Pregnant and well you know.. We look for the loo long before we look for fire exits….

Hit the mall loo, and there it is, dark red (funny it was the color of a deep port or shiraz, that’s all I could think of) blood, just a smear.. Tell Bull.. Still no pain..

Saturday night it is on and off spotting this shade…

Sunday morning…

12 April 2009: Easter Sunday , the day all Catholics the world over celebrate the rising of Jesus and His defeat of Death… OK, so we believe that.. Why can’t it work for parents of sudden loss too???

Wake up, the on again, off again dark spotting is lighter and more infrequent.. We are being lulled by my traitorous bady into a false sense of hope, but we do not know it yet..

Easter dinner is prepared by Moi and Bull… HRH is still ok, my back starts hurting a tad, but I think it is due to twisting the wrong way to avoid tripping over Skye.. So no panic.. I should have been more alert but I was in a fool’s denial and I know it…

Sunday night, I am now hemorraging every time I use the loo.. Bull is scared, Bluehair is too, but both are optomistic..

2 am Monday morning, I can no longer take the agony, I am bleeding horrendously…

I know I am now in a full blown miscarriage that I was told if it had not occurred within 4 to 5 days of the start of the spotting, was not going to happen.. Unfortunately it took me almost a full week…

Race to the ER of the Women’s hospital, and hemorage in the car park… Scare Bull to death.. He rushes into action.. Isn’t that what anyone in LE does? (remember a CO for many years)

Admitted, stripped of my now ruined clothing.. Hospital gown on.. Still hemorraging… IV in..

Enter oncall OB/GYN.. Doctor Pain..

An emergency D&C because our litttle angel is still in there and will not let go.. and that was it… No more physical pain.. just empty lives, hearts and arms..

HRH had lost her BUMP.. Bull had lost his first child and Bluehair had lost a much wanted sibling..

I sit, numb.. Oh yes the tears come and go, playing peek a boo with me, but they are always near.. I want to cry, I want to rage, I want to scream…

But, what good will all that do? It will not bring back BUMP!! NO, nothing will..

Harsh reality is that BUMP is gone and I had a miscarriage.. Was it my fault? did I do something wrong? NO!!! was it my age? maybe.. but doubtful.. Does it hurt anyless that I was only 6 weeks along??? FUCK NO!!

Miscarriages suck!! They not only ruin the BUMPs’ lives, they destroy everyone’s lives around them as well..

Do I regret BUMP?? FUCK NO!!!

Will I stop trying? (for now yes, we have to) But NO!!!

SO, I end this asking that it serve as aid to one woman who is going thru something similar and afraid of the answers…. If it does not seem ok with you, GO!! GO immediately to your nearest ER… Bitch til someone listens… Ask questions until they are answered…

These are actual responses, or partial resposnses to an essay question on one of the myriad of Federally approved and funded Standardized tests our children are taking nationwide.

The student was supposed to write a short (1 to 2 page) composition on their favourite insect which they had studied, read about on their own for independant studies outside the classrooms, and observed throughout the school year in science class. The composition was to include as many relevant and pertinent facts as the student could remember. The composition was to include a brief introduction, a body and a conclusion. Sadly far too many compositions lacked one or more of the main elements.

The compositions should have been easy to write, as the students were given access to encyclopedias, dictionaries, thesauruses, and their own text books. Many utilized the access they were granted, but many did not. To me, as a parent, this showed me that the children, for the most part had integrity and tried their best to write their papers from memory of all they had learned, and that is wonderful. They are trying on their own merit, not taking the easy way out.

Yes, we scorers could spot the children who liberally used the available materials, and still mispelled, or mis-punctuated the materials quotes. Some knew how to annotate or cite reference materials, but too many others never bothered, or were not taught how to yet.

The essay compostions were to be scored on four basic elements: the content of the composition, how much relevant information the students included about their insects; composition; did the essay have an introduction, body and conclusion; voice; did the student use grade level appropriate wording and description; and convictions; this is the fundamentals of grammar, punctuation, spelling, word usages (such as transposing their and there).

These four elements were the criteria upon which we as educators and scorers were to rate the children’s essays. We were told that we were to score more heavily in the middle range/average range, even if the children’s essays fell “a little” short. Nice to know that these States lack faith in our children isn’t it?, that we should score on the high side so the State could receive Federal Funding. SAD!!! Totally demoarlizing to us as educators…

What the compositions prove is that the “No Child Left Behind” act of 2001 is a dismal failure. Children no longer labour in schools under the fear of being held back a grade. No child can or will be failed a grade for not being able to complete grade level appropriate course work. They are being railroaded to each successive grade level with scant knowledge of basic acadedmic fundamentals.

As a former University level professor, it saddens me. I have stood as a none too mute witness to this rising epidemic of students totally unprepared in the basics of writing, research and grammar entering Colleges and Universities across the nation.

These students are totally unprepared for college level studies, yet are railroaded into Colleges and Universities only to be set up for failure. They can not understand nor preform the work required. Far too many Colleges and Universities in recent years have implemented remedial courses for ALL students entering their hallowed halls of academia, regardless of SAT scores or transcripts. This is unfair to new students who are fully able to compete in the higher education arenas, but a necessary evil any more to give every student a fair chance.

I and many other fellow professors and educators have stood witness to the decline of the Western Civilization’s education systems and attempted quite vocally to rectify this situation. So far our warnings and pleas have fallen on deaf ears. Colleges and Universities have instead implemented mandatory remedial english, grammar and mathmatics classes for all new students across the boards. This is like putting a plaster on a shotgun wound: INEFFECTIVE!

Mandatory remedial courses for all new College and University students only raise already astronomical tuitions, and act as deterrants to students who are truely prepared to enter the hallowed halls of higher education. Frustration bred in these remedial courses for both the prepared and unprepared students only set all students up for failure and drop out.

I as many professors have witnessed this phenomenon with heavy hearts. Far too many bright students are being sacrificed on the alter of the almighty Federal funding dollar.

Yes, I and my colleagues do realize that without obtaining Federal Funding, many states will have to force the closures and mergers of several schools and school districts. As a parent, I can empathize. I would not have wanted Bluehair bussed to a distant school district either. But, if the schools in your home districts are failing your children, and another neighbouring school can offer your children a better chance at a successful life; would you not take the opportunity? I know I would.

When I felt that my own school district was failing to teach my own son to his full academic potential, I pulled him out and home schooled him. Yes, he took the dreaded Standardized tests for our State and yes, he ranked in the top percentiles each time. But his education he received from home schooling prepared him to tackle advanced courses, college level courses at a younger age. I believed that our school district was failing him academically and I took the necessary steps to rectify it. He deserved it and so do your children.

I did not put the weekly gems up to shame the children, whose essays crossed my computer, but to shame our Education Systems, for failing to teach these children properly and fully prepare them for the future. I put them up also to shame the schools into allowing teachers to teach our chilren properly, not just teach them up until they take these tests and that is it.

Parents, as a stern warning, please take heed!!!; Opt out of sharing your children’s information every year, or however often your school district requires… This information is shared with outside agencies. The results of these standardized test results are shared with the U.S. Militaries and Colleges and Universities across the Nation. If you do not want your children to have only two options in life, the Military or college, but want them to decide what they want to be, and where they want to go, OPT OUT!!!

So in closing: YES these are true responses given on Standardized tests. I did not make any of them up. They are not here to shame the children who wrote them, they are here as testiment to the failure of our education systems.

If you are saddend as I am, all I can do is challenge you to take a more active part in your children’s education. Do not leave it all up to their teachers, as their hands are well and truely tied.

The weekly Gems: Weeks 1 and 2

These are the weekly gems HRH and crew have uncovered in our adventures are Standardized test scorers.

They are NOT put in this blog to humiliate the children or poke fun at their innocence. They are put here because some of them, no matter the poor grammar, spelling or punctuation, have made our days a lot brighter and made us smile.

WE do not fault the children nor the teachers (though we did as educators, scientists, fellow teachers and otherwise seekers of knowledge, in the beginning), we have squarely placed the blame where it truly belongs, school systems who limit teachers, ties their hands about actually fully developing small minds and sets some of the lowest standards: and State Boards of Education who allow such travesties to exist, all in the name of the almighty federal funding.

Teachers want to enrich their students’ minds, lives and make an impact. They want to mould the children’s minds and instill in them a love of learning and knowledge. Well, this is the shared pipedream of EVERY person who decides on education as their majors: Their wide eyed innocence quite similar to their future students’. Little do the future teachers realize that yes, they will succeed and graduate, with stars in their eyes, in the hopes of having “that gifted child” and nurturing his or her budding futures; of opening up a world of endless possibilities through core courses such as English Literature, language arts, grammar, spelling, etc.. Only to see it all dashed at the altar of federal funding and State Boards of Education. To sum it up… TEACHERS WANT TO TEACH, SO LET THEM!!!

Students, no matter socio-economic background or geographic location across the United States, want to learn. So too, Let them!!! DO not tell them they do not matter and are better off in the Militaries, or doing nothing at all because they are too dumb. No child is dumb (though as parents I am sure we would disagree, especially when our own child does something not too intelligent), every child has the ability to learn and in most cases wants to learn. So damn it, stop stunting this with idiotic standardized tests, and stop telling the child what he/she must write on; go back to the creative writing portion of testing. Let the child write about a subject of his or her choice; this is where the true gauge of how well a child understands the discipline of writing, grammar, etc shines through. Either that, or, issue Federal Standards to be used across the nation as a National guideline; whatever you do, DO NOT allow each State to set its own rules. Uniformity and conformity.. In this case, the tenth amendment be DAMNED!!! But only in the case of education, to ensure our children are not failed by the school systems any longer.

So, without furthering HRH’s ROYAL RANT on education and its lack there of….

Here are the WEEKLY GEMS!!!

I hope they make you smile as they did us…

There are no truly bad or ugly, just some bizarre and obscure. Spelling and grammatical atrocities are what I consider bad and ugly, but adorable just the same. We understand children, as with many adults, write as they speak, so we overlook a lot, scoring these as not to stunt the children’s development academically….

Ebonics reigns supreme in the South. (Ebonics: Ebonics seems to have become little more than an alternative term for African American Vernacular English and is only indigenous to the United States, in particular, Oakland Ca. )

HRH can now conjugate the verb BE: as in: I be, u be, we be, he be, she be, him be, her be, they be, them be… It goes on in this vein!!!

Horses have armpits and routinely get stuck in the mud up to said armpits.

Stick is now spelled stik, stike, stix.

You are never too young to be a horney golddigger: as in (essay discussing what the student would do in an afternoon spent with a famous person of their choice. (writing of a famous rapper Bowwow.) The student wrote; “I ha he babeys, I ge he mony. He ha lotz un lotz e mony.We goes gits sum icecreem… ” I am directly quoting, no words have been edited for effect, this is what was written by a student in our testing materials… (this is also one of the students whom helped further HRH’s education on the proper conjugating of the verb BE).

There is such a thing as “ENEMY CUNT”!!!: ( WE already deduced that there is also a species of CUNT that is friendly. Ok, the men informed us women that some is!!!! Bull added that there is also a subspecies of double agent CUNT as well and I belong to that subspecies): HRH assumes that the student was attempting to write “Be carefull, or the enemy cant…”, but this poor student’s handwriting was so atrocious and illegible, that his/her A looked like a U… Hence forth, “enemy cunt, not enemy cant”. If the child also knew proper punctuation, he/she would have known to put in an apostrophe before T in can’t…. Oh well, it made for many hours of laughter for our group of demented scorers… (Still does, even after three weeks of it)

Praying mantises glow in the dark

Praying mantises spit acid in your eye: just one eye mind you, never both for some unknown reason.

Praying mantises are very religious and teach Baptist Sunday School

Mantis is also the same thing as Mandtid

Cicadias (cicadas) (and mind you, ONLY the females) have sex once in 17 years and that is why the female cicadia dies happy

Flys are all heads and anuses: So are ants

Frogs, lizrds, starfesh are now considered insects

A spider is an insect

Ifin, ifinna, outn, outna, willn, l coudna, coudnna, shudda, shuddna, etc are legitimate words now

Butturfli. is a complete sentence

HRH and crew can no longer spell Cocoon, camouflage, butterfly/ies, lizards, etc: They are cacoon, cakon, kakoon, and cameflags, camoflag, comafluage, etc

HRH and crew personally hate and want to eradicate every last said Buitlarfli, buttifly, Bot fly (bow fly) and Preyin Mantid and APreyen Matid we come across…..

Stik dugs looks guud in techirs desk

If a bug bits ya, don skritch it, it will git all reed and hert

Beez is the proper plural form of (what we all thought was) bees. Imagine our unanimous chagrin at our mistake

Done mess wid intecs or yowl done git bit and it herds

Flyies too spits acid in savish waeys

Insects are insecting

Stink bugs will spit on you and make you disabsolve

Ding beedles eat poop.

Dung beetles are gross and smell like (said) poop, but are fun for ascaren peopel

Ants are burgendy, like gamecock’s jurzies

Ifn ya mess with a beez, you done gonna git bit

Butterflies is intrestin

Female bees do all the work while male bees sit around the hive and do nothing but eat and poop
The same is for male and female ants. Female ants do everything and the males eat, poop and conplane

One child wants a “glass house filled with vido games systems, like 6 or 7 in every room and a room filled with cartins of malboors or malboos for his/her mommie

HRH and Crew now knows why the white hores was fat and actin all wiereded an stuffs… It was pegant or pregant (Depending upon which version of spelling this child chose in a sentence, at times both in one sentence)

The pony of the pegant hores kepa comein, ana comein ana comein soememor, til it was bornded
The fat/pegant white hores was named liting…..

All ants can eat you all up

One child hats dugs. The only dug he/she licks is a ded dug. He/she hats dogs too, but liks stik dugs. The deded dugz in techirs desk are kool.. (wonder what brand his parents smoke?)

Like is now spelled lick, and lik

DEAD is not finite enough, it is now deadeded, and they have dropped the A in dededed…

Butirflis are cool, amazing and beootifil

Monkitos, moheetios, monskitos,mooskittos, can give you malasia and also give you dasies and daiseies when yo git bit… (After reading this we all needed a mojito!!!! And a shot of whiskey, hell pass the bottles out, put it on IV drip… LOL And just where the HELL are my Daisies???? I have been bits millions and gazillons of times in mys live…. (Oh DEAR HEAVENS, it’s rubbing off on us…)

Worms is A sexal (A SEXAL what???? Tell us we are dying to know. Sadly this is all they wrote, quite literally)

Grasshopers gived humans chewin tabackoo

Butterflis eat bacteria and dirt from trees and plants

You can die if a butterfly bits ya

Butterflies are covered in bling and if you rub yore fingers across there wings, but ya knows better cause mommies saids nots to, you gits all covereded in blings too. Doing this can make the butterfly dededed

Little Mary or Johnny licks bugz fer tree resens, firstly, Ants, secondsly flees, and thirdly roacherses

Little Jonny or Mary thinks that butterflies and waspses are the same thing

Some lady bugs are blue (Who knew???)

Lady bugs kill you, thaey ur posonests

Flys has the mostest eye , 2 he/she thinks, and cin c u ifn u aint carfil

Dugs seehs ya! DUGS hets everen lats humin… Dugz wantns ta kill us… (Hmmmm…. Anger management anyone???)

Ants are as strong as elifents

Ants only eat rough open meat, (as opposed to smooth open meat?) sweets and dirt.

If a worker bee, (assuming it is a she, since they are the only bees who do any work, as the males are too occupied skritchin, eatin, poopin and being lasty, ) brings grits back to the hive, an the queen ets up all the grits, the queen gonna esplode and die and when she do die, all the bees gonna die too cause she aint gonna be thar to feeds thay…. The author preys thays all dies right soon cause he/she is elerjek to bees

Ok, it is no longer THEY, it is THAY and tha

Their (as in their wings, thorax, etc) is ther, there, thar, thir, Thier….

Cockroaches have lungs, lobsters, its’ sister has gils

Ants no longer live in hills thay live in pil(s), or pills….

Ants have there brains in there anis

If you laids out on the beech, sand flees can and will crawles up yor but. And apparently you cant git them crittirs outn again…

Spiders like cotton candy

Ants prefer pickeniks and deseased fuud (deceased or diseased, you decide)

Antennae are now the same thing as feet….

Grand daddy long legs spiders are the most posoinest spiders in the world and the most dangeros, buts don fear, casue thay cant bit ya, there vanes are to small.. ( I am assuming fangs in place of vanes? Who knows though, the grand daddy long leg spider may have attempted to install a weather vane on its barn and found out it was too short to e seen from the house…)

Spiders lik to hid in your shed and shed, butn ifn you picks it up bye it’s noes, it kin die

Flys lick cartoons and kertins

You can only git honee from hony farms cause beez donn makes huny, farmers do…

Somewhere in a hive in this Southern State there is a team of NASCAR Bees whose sole job in life is to replace bee stringers when the bee bits you and he makes it back to the hive to has more babys…If theays donn, the bee will be dededed!!!
(imagine, little bee NASCAR mechanics, jacking up a bee and wrenching a new stinger on so the bee can have babies and live, as opposed to die. And yes, only male bees can has babys.)

Writing about goin to the mall with your mother to get a slurpee and by earings is somehow considered “on topic” and about insects

Dogs are now insets as well

Insects are now insets and ensetks

Ants are jes like people, thay run around all day, work hard and run from bill collectors…(Out of the mouth of babes, huh?)

Feisty is now fisty

Insects are many different from animals

Flies started out as magnets

Caterpillar is now calipeter, caliper, etc. ( Damn, and all this time I thought calipers were part of my vehicle’s braking system. Dad must be a mechanic… But, on the upside he/she did spell Caliper correctly!)

Born is now Bowrn, bornded, bornd, etc

Maggot is now either magnet, maget, magit, (the list goes on)

WE now know why locusts were one of the seven deadly plagues!!!! God sent locusts to Egypt First, cause HE wanted to test market their eating abilities and what if anything they wouldnt eat. (We also know this child’s parent or parents are in marketing, possibly product research and design, and that this child is definitely NORTHERN!!!! He/She is also destined to MBA status)

The queen bee is a fertile female of a social insect

Praying Mantis’ are REALLY praying to God

Fire ants has large feet so it can eat

There is a new scientific discipline…BUGOLOGY

If you step on or squeeze an ladey bugg thay well tinkle on you or use yup hand as an potty. Its its onlyest defensce

Popple is now a color and butrflyes come in it

If it has an exoskeleton, well natreully it has a indoskeleton as well

Mosquitos are annoying and superfulus (Yes!, Yes they are!!!)

The Praymantes got its name from an Indiun who thought it was prayin to the mantes gods before it started prayin on him

The queen bee is the Mother of all bees

Bumble bees do not sting you unless you are bi/by. (??? You can tell you are in the south now…)

Instead of having the jaws of life, they have the jaws to end a life. (praying mantis)

Weird is now spelled wheard

Comon bees

Bring on that Stinger Spirit

That’s the way God made em and thats the way theyr gonna stay. ((talking about the coloration of yellow jackets). ENOUGH SAID DAMN IT!!!)

Listen to me I sound like a geek over here going on about my insect.

Most poisonous in now posionest or posonesxt
German Shepherds are now insects

Grasshoppers are known to be either, tenacious and unrepentant, or callous and unrepentant, but they are also Clandestine because they are sneaky…
(?????????? Ok WTF!!! But the kid has got to be given credit as he/she used these descriptors in the correct context!!! But next time, take the thesauruses out of the room. )

The cricket is my playmate who tries to go unnoticed
(absolutely adorable and poetic!! )

Praying manteses are obscene. “obscene like the praying manteses”

Butterflies are passionate and bliss insects

The worm thanks god for his anus everyday and you should to

Ants got through hard labor and get cranky and the female ant does all the work (this would explain the hard labor and crankiness)

Ants will attack people if they scamper up their hairy sweaty legs

Nobody cuts ants any slack

Writing spiders (a new subspecies) will write the name of a person on a rock and that person will die and be killed by the writing spider (this creature is apparently indigenous to only two States, North and South, so I am safe in WPA!!!)

Ants have a Queen, just Like England!

When I swatted that mosquito, he was talking to the mosquito god in heaven cause he bit me, after I studied all about him

Incests will bring you special diseases (YES! YES! It will!!!!)

Praying mantises will pray before going on a killing spree or attacking

We occasionally get jokes embedded in the compositions such as:

What has blades for arms, razors for teeth and eats their boyfriends’ heads? No, not Mother-in-laws!!! It is the prayin mantis silly!!! ( that made our day, and again proved that grammar does not count; it should be Mothers-in-law, for those of you who did not notice. But, Funny just the same)

The Jason Voorhees of the insect world. (This child could not spell any other word in his/her paper, but correctly spelled Jason Voorhees of Friday the 13th fame! Go Figure!!!)

There is now a spider named the Brown Lagoose! (possibly related to the Brown Recluse spider, but unsure of any more)

The spiders tounge is so fast at spittin out and grabbing bugs from the air and swallowing them straight down their throats, that you has to be real fast to see it happen (Uh, this child has a chameleon or frog, or other reptile confused with a spider. Possibly this is the Brown Lagoose’s form of capturing dinner)

Butterflies are arousing to observe (Uh, Ok?!?!? We are dealing with some heavy duty fetishes, what can I say?)

Misqitos casue insest (Ahhh, so this is the incest (insect) who brings us special diseases!! FINALLY, MYSTERY SOLVED. Misquitos cause insest and incest brings special diseases….HO BOY!!!)

Grasshoppers are now gras hopeys or grass hoppeys

Lady bugs and grass hoppers keep the peace in the world (so they are little UN Peace Keepers? Uh, hate to tell them, they are seriously lacking in their Peace Keeping efforts!!! I suppose it’s because they only life in the spring and no other time.)

Ladybugs and Grasshoppers don’t have babies, much as other insects do

Praying Mantis Queen Looks like a flower (shit, and even I did not know they had a queen, let alone she looks like a flower. Learn something new every day!!!)

Ants make alliances with other insects and plants for food and mating

Moskitos they bite you kill you And make you sick

Insest can give you deceases (OK!!! Either you will catch something or DIE!! Either way!!)

One brilliant child knew what a person who studies reptiles, snakes in particular, was called he didn’t spell it correctly, but he knew what one was!!! When I grow up, I want to travel to the Amazon Jungle to study snakes and other reptiles. I want to become a Herpetologist, but for now I will study bugs. (Herpetologist: Close Enough, Extra Credit!!! I say get a degree in both, become a Herpetologist and an Entomologist)

Praying and cannibalism don’t go together none too well

Google is THE BIBLE on all things Mantis

Butterflys are like humons with great humor

Human is now Humon, humin, heumin, hamin

Male bees do nothing in the hive but mate. Usualy with the queen but with each other too

A pupil is a larva

Sometimes ants will blow up to save the queen (now that is what I call loyalty!!!)

Ants have tentacles so do butterflies

You best have a shoe for them cockroaches cause that spray done work good

The brown back spider is a womans pet cause of its beauty, color and intrest

Pray mantos (Ok, but I prefer to pray catholic)

Black widows make GREAT pets for children

Butterfly preys on spiders. Theys sucks they blood

Pollutants are insects

Butterflys is double agents

Butterflys go through butterfly training before they can fly and be amazing colors

We have learned there is an insect called the Salves bee.

Bees make their hunny from pall by putting it on their hands and mixing it with something

Spiders are android acneoids

Insects are in a group called insectA

Critter is a legitimate word

Spider is its Legal Name

Spiders lays eggs more time and faster than one student changes boxers

Ants are sometimes drinkers (Oh, the secret’s out!!! After this project my crew will be full time drinkers, if we aren’t after this first week)
Beez like to lick jars

Grasshoppers have two brains, one in their heads and one in their buts. They should be called brain buts, not grasshoppers

Roller coasters are now considered insects

Lady bugs can get a little nippy and nippley

Bees lives are harder than convincing your parents to raise your allowance

Butterfly babies are called magnets

Some of ther feet are mysterious (caterpillars’ feet)

Butterflys lay their eggs in offspring

Bees are more interesting than talking monkeys, more cool than New York in winter, and as cool as the Atlantic Ocean

Maddagascar cockroaches learned to hiss in Maddagascar

Bees are tearfying

Bees are evil, like satin (Satin isn’t evil, a little slippery, but not evil. I think this one was going for SATAN, but I could be wrong)

Vegetables are now vestebles

The same student won’t eat his/her vesteble no matter what moma says cuase worm eat dirt and thay poop in the dirt and plants et the worm poop and when we ets vestebles we is etting worm poop and he/she doen wants ta et no worm poop

Butterflies come on the top of your head when thay is tired of flying

Ants have thier own lives, so, don’t squash them, jest leaves them alone

Antennas, or antennae are now antunes

Spider is now sidr

Humins are bornd and they wes turns inta toddles

Magnifying glass is now Magnet Fly Class

And last but not least, MY salvations….

Please leave the Bees desolate, they are only trying to work hard gathering pollen so that there will be a plethora of food for their colony (Proof that there is a GOD and HE is listening)

The cricket wakes you each morning in the most melodious of ways. As the sun’s gentle golden rays crest the mountain tops, this tiny orchestra greets the morning with their joyous music. It is a celebration and warms your heart. (Thank you LORD, You have given me a glimmer of hope for the future!!!)

I hope you have enjoyed these as much as we have. There are certainly more where these came form.. I have already filled one notebook and am currently half way through two more, with more of these gems.. lol

Two weeks ago, and counting, HRH has lost her mind! I have taken a temporary job as a standardized scholastic assessment test scorer; reading over 2 million essays from students grades 6, through 8. In my first two full weeks on the job, I have learned a myriad of things about politics, the sorry state of American school systems across the United States, quite a few interesting facts about not only insects, which the essays we are currently scoring for the student assessment tests are supposed to be on (all 300,000 of them), as well as sixth graders (11 and 12 year olds). We have not gotten yet to the eighth grade (13 to 14 year olds) essays: that is in the coming weeks. So Joy!! I am absolutely sure HRH will have more Gems in the next eight weeks.

I have made many new friends from such diverse backgrounds, some fresh from college graduation, bearing shiny new bachelors’ degrees, and some with degrees older than me. Some are like me, Majors of this and that, looking to “one day obtain that PhD, or in my case, LLM… Some are former teachers who either through retirement, downsizing or just plain teacher burn out, are not working currently, or are working odd jobs such as this. One Star of my crew is a PhD in Economics and worked for 18 years as the Economic Advisor and Strategic Economic Planning Advisor, as well as other Minster positions to the former Presidents of S. Africa. She is bloody Brilliant in every way and shares a similar story of woe at the hands of her ex as I and so many women the world round do… But she’s plucky!!! And an all round great egg!!! She surprisingly also shares our juvenile, potty humor, so she is a great fit to our motley crew of brainiac misfits.

We live for breaks to laugh over the gems we find whilst reading these lovely essays on insects…. We can not take it seriously as the grammarians in us are slowly dying; being murdered essay after essay…To combat this, we have taken to compiling the “stellar” gems we find each day so that HRH can blog them to show that there truly is a severe decline in the American education system and something needs to be done before it is too late and we can no longer compete in the global markets. I will blog the gems separately, as well, quite frankly, there are so many!!! But, that being said, these gems do help me and my clown crew of diverse friends survives the tedious and monotonous days working this project. I need to add, there are hidden gems as well, students who are absolutely brilliant and are being sacrificed for the many who are average or far below average. This kills HRH as she was and still is an over achiever and was also sacrificed when she was this age. I have included these in another blog as well, as you will read.

So, back to my ROYAL RANT!!!!

I mentioned Politics first, because after working the last three days I have found that the White House needs to rethink the No Child Left Behind program and seriously work diligently to get the “bugs” out!!! (Sorry!, Insects on the brain, as every essay we are scoring is about the students’ favorite insects, well they are supposed to be…). As far as I can see right now, it isn’t working. Yes Mr. President, there are some children, a vast majority in the particular State I am currently assessing writing exemplars, in the form of compositions and research writing, for which should most absolutely be left behind, until a time when they can master their native tongue, AMERICAN ENGLISH!!! So far I have seen, far too many children’s essays which are the earmark of future uni-bombers, stalkers, serial killers, and the unemployable.

The essays I and my coworkers are scoring currently are part of a “new” standardized student assessment test being used in a Southern State. Up until this year, this particular State used a different Standardized test. The students across this State have taken these tests to show if the State’s students are meeting that particular State’s standards… So far I could honestly tell them; NO!!! The Standardized essay tests we are currently scoring are designed to give State Board of Education members detailed information about whether a student is performing at the appropriate grade level.
Results also will be used for federal accountability standards set in the “No Child Left Behind Act”. Each State in our fair Union set the standards for scoring these federally created education assessment tests for their respective State.

Ok, talk about a subjective and interpretative scoring rubric. This particular Southern State has one of the lowest set standards I have ever had the “pleasure” to come across. It is almost as if anything goes as long as the child can hold a pencil. But, I will get into this later on. I would say right now that there is no Federal Accountability nor is there State accountability where far too many of these students are concerned.

To those of you who have no clue what the “No Child Left Behind Act is, please allow me to give you a brief education…

Signed into law in 2002, by then President G. W., the NO Child Left Behind Act of 2001 is a United States federal law. “The law reauthorized a number of federal programs aiming to improve the performance of U.S. primary and secondary schools by increasing the standards of accountability for states, school districts, and schools, as well as providing parents more flexibility in choosing which schools their children will attend. Additionally, it promoted an increased focus on reading (Wikipedia)”. It does not assert a national achievement standard; standards are set by each individual state, so highly subjective, as there is no Standardized Federal (pardon my repetition, but,) Standards!!!

It is air apparent that this particular State has set seriously low standards to begin with, when things like basic grammar, punctuation, penmanship and spelling are not heavily weighted into the scoring rubric. Sentence structure, punctuation, and spelling, are all essential if these children are to compete globally in later years for jobs. From these current examples, this State will continue the tragedy of producing students for menial work in later life, or force them into the college realm where they are ill prepared to compete.

I have witnessed this throughout my own quest for higher education: students who can not read nor write on a college or University level, yet are pushed forward into the college/University Academic Arena are destined to fail, and those students who can read, write and speak the English language correctly are being forced into unnecessary remedial English classes all in the name of getting every student on the same page. No, what you are doing is setting every student up for failure, as the students who do not need such classes will be bored, their grades will suffer and they will drop out in some cases, as the students who need it will as well.

Teachers are no longer allowed to fail students in the grade and high school levels, which would serve to force students to learn and achieve. No, the current trend is to promote the student regardless and this only serves to falsely over inflate the children’s sense of endowment. These children are growing up, thinking putting forth minimal effort automatically shows that they are owed everything; that everything is to automatically be handed to them and that they do not have to work hard to achieve success…What this does is promote the fallacy that every single child who attends school (even sporadically) should be promoted to the next consecutive grade level until he or she graduates and is old enough to become cannon fodder in our Military Machines, regardless if little Johnny or Little Mary can read, write or do ‘rithmetic!!! Children used to work hard in school, for fear of failing and being left behind a grade; they feared the scorn, ridicule and embarrassment of their peers. Failing a grade was a deterrent and a useful tool as well.

The essays (we are currently scoring) are supposed to show the students’ writing and research abilities, both strengths and weaknesses. State wide, the students taking this exam were given access to encyclopedias, dictionaries, thesauruses, and even their own text books to take this essay portion of the exam. I seriously doubt any took full advantage, which makes me smile for it shows that the students have a higher moral code and ethics, compared to their State’s Board of Education, who allowed such to happen, just to ensure higher scores and higher federal funding. Far too many students are showing distinct weaknesses in basic writing, grammar, tempo, spelling and hand writing. The essays are supposed to show that students across this Southern State can actually put in depth ideas on paper in cognitive (and in some cases, creative) ways. The essays are to be in-depth… Most are so sparse of detail they are shocking, and prove little or no research went into the subject matter.

Teachers are complaining that the tests lack a “practice test” and are too hard. Excuse me ladies and gentlemen of the realm, but correct HRH if she is wrong, but by the age of 11 or 12, and the successful completion of the fifth grade and matriculation to the sixth grade, is it too much to ask that a student, or students know proper sentence structure and punctuation? How hard is it to write a few sentences in a few paragraphs? The test is not asking that the students write complete dissertations, only short compositions with an introduction, body and conclusion. This is not hard if the teachers have been allowed to do their work and teach these basic writing principles. (HRH is not blaming the teachers; in fact HRH has developed a distinct new respect for teachers who are forced to lower their own standards just to conform to the already low standards set by the State Boards of Education across the country) So!, How is that hard? Three parts, possibly one to two pages, if that, is all the essays require. This is not hard. Well, it wouldn’t be if the teachers were permitted to teach instead of assembly line these children right into failure in the future by having to promote substandard standards…

Many teachers in this particular State complained because a question in the grammar section asked that students identify “Which sentence shifts focus by adding an irrelevant detail?” I am not sure why this particular question had teachers from all over this State flying into the boughs, but it did. Perhaps it was that the teachers had no idea of what focus shift was? Perhaps they were not sure what irrelevant details are? Trust me; I can understand fully why this question had their knickers in a twist, after reading a vast majority of essays these last three days… Irrelevant details are all these little Marys and Johnnys know. When teachers can not understand focus shift in a sentence, and irrelevant details in a sentence; and can not explain it in simpler language to their students, this bodes ill for the American School systems. It is proof of the sorry state in which far too many American schools find themselves in today. It is a shame they have been in this same, sad, sorry state for 20+ years now.
These tests will one day have such detrimental impacts of the futures of these and other children. If what all Little Johnny aspires to be in life is an automotive mechanic, and his Standardized testing scores throughout his formative years are consistently low, Little Johnny can kiss his dreams of wrenching on engines goodbye. Little Mary will not be the best waitress she can be because neither can spell. Neither child had better have any other hopes, dreams or aspirations other than to be the lowest paid workers and absolutely expendable in the job market.

After my first two weeks, I have learned that though the vast majority of these children are being forced to accept the blatant fact that their home State and its’ State Board of Education feel that the children are less intelligent than the rest of the Nation, some students did bother to put forth their best efforts and attempt to prove the naysayers wrong… To these students I personally say BRAVO!!! Not every essay we have read was poorly written; some in fact were so well written we started joking that the child was a Northern Transplant, or better yet a private school transplant from Europe. But yes, day after day, we are taking the good with the bad, the beautiful with the ugly and assessing the grades to see if Mary or Johnny is leaning.
I have realized that standardized testing stunts the instinctive creative nature of children. I see such examples of personality popping out and budding writing styles that will one day, if nurtured, blossom and flourish… One can teach the mechanics of writing, but one can not teach a child to write with personality, and many papers popped on my computer screen that had personality and the authors’ personalities came across crystal clear.

I have learned in my first two weeks, that boys usually write with a distinct left handed slant, girls still dot their I’s with hearts, stars, flowers, or big black circles. Cursive writing is almost extinct and penmanship is seriously only taught in Private, and Military schools. I have learned to spot a student’s paper from a Military installation run Base camp for dependants of service men and women.

The Military Kids’ papers are easy to spot, no slants, microscopic printing, precise spacing, precise, block style letter formation, perfect grammar. Each composition is chock full of pertinent facts, detailed descriptions: Yet, they follow the KISS rule (Keep It Simple Stupid) the compositions are picture perfect, and causing HRH to go blind trying to enlarge them enough to see them. Military Kids have a way of keeping things as detailed as possible while making the composition short, sweet and to the point. Thank GOD for the USMC!!! I was one of these children, and yes, I am still machine perfect and concise… Once a Marine, always a Marine. Semper Fi!!! OHHH RAAAAHHHH!

Private and Parochial school children have more of a tendency to write just as perfect as Military school children, but with more flowery prose and romanticized descriptions. They are my bright spot throughout my long monotonous days…

The children, no matter how poorly or well their compositions were written, who acknowledge that there is a fellow human being reading every single essay, and not a computer, make our day. They tell us they hope we haven’t bored us with this annoying bug talk, but that they were forced to write about bugs and they don’t even like bugs; had they had their say, they would have chosen to write about, mammals, trips, space exploration, etc. Anything but bugs!! And yes to all those who said this, but stuck to the essay prompt, we thank you, we would have much preferred to read about anything and everything just to see how well you do write when you truly enjoy your topic. That would have been a better scale on which to gauge your abilities. We smile each time a child tells us at the end to have a nice day, blessed day, etc. We crack up when a child “speaks directly” to us in his or her essay, as if we are all sharing some great secret, and that secret is bugs!!!

We scorers gush over wonderfully creative stories, even if they have nothing to do with the essay question, such as our zombie unicorn… Thank you little one: that broke up our day and was riveting. Also, kudos to the students who wrote such romantic essays about crickets waking you up in the most delightfully melodic ways, I am still reeling over your beautiful prose, your ability to get your facts and details in, in such a wonderful way. SIGH!!! I am utterly speechless. There is some glimmer of hope, let us pray they do not have it beaten out of them the longer they are forced to labour in such sub par education systems. You deserve a far better education than you are receiving and one day I hope you make it out and receive it in an IVY league school.

Well folks we have a problem when spelling is not heavily weighted in the scoring criteria. When a student of 11 or 12 years of age can not spell the word THEY, or know when to use Their as opposed to There, we have a huge problem. Usage faux pas aside, at least be able to spell simple words like they, there, can, will, etc. No, I would say the youth of America have been done a huge disservice and these impressionable minds, which will one day run our country, if only someone catches them before they fall completely through the cracks, are being wasted, and one day our Nation will suffer. Need I remind y’all of G.W, and his inability to speak properly? Colloquial and regional dialects be damned.

Yes, we write as we speak, and these children for the most part are proof positive of that, but we also learn by the 6th grade that even though we may say things such as “git bit”, they are incorrect and are not proper grammar, and are not to be included in essays and compositions. Though they do make the scorers smile all day….
So, to this Southern State and its Board of Education….

Grow some ears! English Mother Fuckers, can you speak it? Better yet, Can you teach it? If not, Could you permit the teachers who can and are dying to teach it, DO THEIR FUCKING JOBS TO THE BEST OF THEIR ABILITIES???? Will you allow the teachers to teach little Johnny and Little Mary how to read, speak and write so they can be productive in the future and compete against the Global Market? It is a sad day in education when children are being passed when they can not read, write or speak their native language, American English…. It is time for a change and I hope our Leader will bring about this change and soon!! It is no wonder your school system is ranked dead last in the United States.

OK, HRH is done ranting about Education systems which are so broken they need overhauled ASAP before our children are functioning illiterates…

On with my weekly ditties from the world of children and insects.

Yes, I am serious.

HRH has a list of things that she does not want to do. have done to her, see or hear! But, sometimes, these same things end up happening just the same.

Ok, on the list was have scantily or nude pix taken.. That was shattered by a plastic surgeon when I went in to get an estimate on how much a whole body lift would cost after my gastric bypass. That Sucked! Was it worth it? Possibly, but embarassing just the same!!

And yet again, last night something on my Don’t Want list happened..

I never wanted to see Twilight, never had an urgent desire to read any of the books, Nope drivel is not my style!! Utter Dreck!! And what is on the telly when we go visit, (Ok, command performance, MIL NEEDED!!! This time she honestly did need prescriptions,blue waterproof hospital bed pads, grocieries, and of course, ginger ale, and freaking cough drops!!! But, for the most part necessary items this time!!) MIL,;

Friggin TWILIGHT!!

Alrighty then..

It is the end of the known and unknown universe when a vampire steps into direct sunlight and glitters like a prism!! I shit you not!! NO bursting into flames, no showing an aged face, ala Dorian Gray!! Noooo, no smoke, no burning vamp, no withering corpse.. Just Gary Glitter!!! Charley Cubic, Zeb Zircon, Desmond Diamond!! HELL!! Dusty musty DIamond dust!! Fuck, Friar Fairy Dust!! You get my drift?

Excuse me? Are you kidding? I understand, well to a point I do, that this is a teen movie, so yeah, right, kids will believe anything!!! But honestly??? Prismatic, NEON nosferatou???

The vamps in this twaddle can not go out in the sunshine because their skin is covered in diamond dust? I’m sorry is diamond dust? and they shine like a freaking Prism? What shit is this author smokin? When they are in times of financial turmoil, do they shed some skin to pay the bills?? LOL!!

I knew there was more to me hating this book series on sight than LUMP loving it and talking nonstop about it!! And this just proves that I was right..

Ok, so I can sorta understand kids loving this crap, but damned me, alot of my adult friends as well are fans too? Gee, speaks well for our American Public School system Doesn’t it? Thank God I was also educated in Europe and DO KNOW the difference between literature and say loo tissue!!!

So yes, seeing Twilight was tops on my things not to do list.

Ah But Precious LUMP was on her weekly visitation and instead of cleaning for the impending inspection on Friday, this week, MIL rented her Twilight on pay per view..

I know the child is gauche, but damn me, it is the height of rudeness to constantly keep repeating throughout the whole damned movie that “I hate this, they didn’t stick to the book” or “this scene didn’t happen now, it happens later” or my favourite, “This scene leads up to.. Oh I can’t tell you.. It’s in the other books..”

Ok, for those of us who had no desire to read the books and are trying to fake actually watching this crap, to appease you.. Actually to have ammunition to torture you with… STFU!!! WE are trying to watch the Glittery, ghouls of Pimp my vampire!! Shit bling my bloodsucker!! We don’t care that it is not a verbatum regurgitation of that tween crap, psuedo novel (in length only).. The only good thing about that particular book series is that it shores up a wonky table spot on..

Ok, so I watch as LUMP yet again skates free from housework.. Housework that she should be doing since Childrens and Youth are coming to inspect on her behalf..

I am still agitated over walking in and having such a production of being told I was not to lift a finger.. As Freaking IF!! So now, no I am not lifting a finger, Bull is not lifting a finger, and the house better be in ship shape for Friday morning at 11 am.. As if I care if it is or isn’t!! I’ll be at work.. Besides, Pappy has issued his own edict, “I am not to do a damned thing until his great grandchild/ren is/are born!!!” AMEN!! All hail the Pappy!! He informed me of this with a wink and a smile.. Gotta love the git!!! He t’ain’t stupid!!!

Which brings me to my current state.. Happy. Apprehensive, worried, and a little nervous..

I am back in the work a day world as of 6 am, EST Tomorrow morning.. Ok, I have not worked in a little over a year.. And Well the job is easy enough, grading standardized tests.. But it’s the thought of “am I going to do well?, Do I have a chance of them keeping me on and making me permanent?, I really need the job!!!” I know it’s only a temp job, but damn me, the pay is fan-freaking-tastic, 5/6k/mo!! I can put away money for the wedding, and get BUMP or BUMPS their nursery items, pay some damned bills (yes, I’m guilty too, but not as bad as MIL, I’m now only 1 month, count it, 1 month behind, thanks to My JUNIOR Accountant, Bluehair and his Daffey duck moments these past 8/9 months, etc.. And it will be great getting out of the house, and not having to worry about MIIL calling and ordering us about..

No I leave that to Bull on his own now!! Of course he is taking the wise way out and working on the house remodel.. LOL So yes, we will eventually make it down to MIL’s, just later, after I get home from work.. Well, at some point this week!!!

I’m also reminiscent today and in a reflective mood.. In a happy way..

Having a Facebook was another thing on my things not to do list, but well crap, to catch up with a certain ex pat brit, now in the land of roby bruce.. I had to make one.. CRAP!!

Ok, I admit, I actually like having one, unless it is a day where there are 100+ requests.. damn it, it topok me 5 hours yesterday to get through them all and today I wake up to 50 more? Oh well I’ll get to those after work this week..

But yes, so I do have a facebook, and I actually do use it to find and reacquaint with old lost friends.. I do abhor when I receive freind requests from people I have never heard of in countries I have no ties to like Montenegro.. Just because my name may be familiar, or my soon to be married name is one you know or is like Smith in the USA??? No, I do not care to be your friend after reading your info!! No, I truly NOT INTERESTED in random hook ups, especially global ones!! But yes, I am an odd ball.. I have said I’m handicapped by not having the female gene that smells money on a man and feels compelled to spend his every last ha’penny!!, so this just proves my point, again I am handicapped, disabled, whatever the PC term du’Jour is for truly using Facebook to find old friends…

I actually found one of my oldest friends, and he informed me that he and his wife had a son last month.. Hell, I still see us at 6&7, climbing trees, running through the woods, going to the “little store” for penny candy.. “What do you mean you have a new baby?? Shit same here, due in November/December!! Yes you ‘tard, at my age!! LOL “

He gave me the name of a group he knew I would adore.. And yes, I did join.. See, as a kid, hell into early adult hood, I was a competative roller skater.. Yes, they exist.. Bastard sibling of professional/competative ice skating.. WE did the same, just on 8 wheels and hard wood, English oak floors.. Have been none too patiently waiting for it to become an Olympic sport since 1980!! Yet, Ballroom dancing made it before roller skating? How the F**K does that happen? Not that I do not love ballroom dancing, but honestly?

I found friends I had grown up with, hung out with at the rink.. It was wonderful, as soon as I saw names, mental images of faces, situations, ex BFs popped into mind.. I sat reading names, remembering good and bad times, laughing and crying, utterly shattered when I saw one old friend was killed in germany not too long ago.. All I could think was “Man that seems like only yesterday, we were young, we were invincible!! We WOULD LIVE FOREVER back then.. And now were are all older, most of us have kids, some of us have already passed on far too young!!” No sadly, far too many of us have passed on far far too young!! But yes, this group took me waaaayyy back to the 1980′s!! God what picturesque times.. We ruled the world!! We were forever young!!

Too Young to Fall in Love and TOO Young To Take IT!!
Yes, today was a day for musing!! The entire 80s decade was a fantastic time!! and it seemed as if it was only yesterday we were all in the girls’ loo, an aquanet cloud surrounding us, hair teades to skycraper height, swilling the alcoholic beverage du’jour out of pump hairspray bottles, smoking the coveted nicked fags.. and hoping the boy of our dreams would ask us to couples’ skate..!!! LOL God we were pathetic!!! Ok, for a few of us, we also remembered getting so pissed off that we actually punched the paper towel dispenser off the walls.. repeatedly!!!

This brought me to actually start searching the facebook groups and yes!! I found a group devoted to the roller rink where most of my life was spent.. A little place in Cannonsburg! Roll R Skate.. I found a member who yes I and Insane know well.. LOL (Honi, I have given you the details, now use the Mister’s account to join.. LOL)

That group too brought back a flood of memories.. Of countless hours spent in lessons, later teaching lessons as well, practicing and practicing, the colmpetitions, the stockings, the costumes, the smell of freshly sealed floors, of breaks, bruises, brushburns (scrapes) just haging out, first kisses, all the kid stuff..

This group had a mention that made my Mother’s Day.. Yes I celebrate the UK one as well as the American Mother’s Day in May!! I get twice the pampering…

It had a mention of Youtube videos.. When I watched the videos, the tears poured!! Happy tears and tears of anguish as well, you see, the videos had scenes of HRH and The Queen MUM in them. Being Mother’s Day and mine and Bull’s first Anniversay.. What can I say, the PERFECT GIFT!! When I saw the videos, and saw my mom and I together oh soooo long ago, it was like it all happened yesterday and her untimely death was just a bad dream.. I saw her smile again, for the first time in 22 years, sorry, 23 years this may 14th… I watched the damn videos over and over again, just waiting for that couple of tics to see her and I again, together, smiling, laughing.. Her working in the coat room, me goofing off, making her smile.. Her intently watching my lessons.. She was young.. well, now that I am hitting 40.. She wasn’t much older than I am now when she was killed in a structure fire.. But NO, TODAY SHe was again “ALIVE” well close enough. I could smell her parfum, hear her laugh.. See her eyes twinkle when she looked at me.. Yes It was perfect and I got the greatest gift when I got to share that with my dad the Yarl!!! and my son, who never got to meet his gamma Jules, and my Darling, wonderful Husband to be, Bull!!! (The son in law she would have hand picked, being Hungarian.. she would have over looked the Polish!! LOL)

“The End of (a’ of a perfect) day and we kmow it!!!!

The most important thing is.. Someone is always going to be top banana to yourself, no matter what and no matter the situation. And that top banana does not even have to be of this astral plane.

And that parents do not always think before speaking….

When you have an ONLY CHILD, no matter that child’s age, they do not want to hear how you feel you are so and so’s mother now.. that child had a mother, you are a relative, not a surrgoate mother.. you can not replace the mother who passed away…And you only destroy what relationship you had with your own biological child

But, there are things that MIL should know as well…

1.Mil has no sense of time or space

2.MIL does not understand the concept of “at a later time”

3.Newly weds prefer time alone, give us what little time we do steal, without inviting yourself and LUMP along

4.Expectant parents need time to get ready for their BUMPS, and also time alone

5.Newly expectant parents love talking about their BUMP, but not when you constantly talk all things LUMP and the damned duo… We love hearing about ourselves, and BUMP, so talk to us, not strangers, since we asked you not to tell anyone… we have our reasons… honour them

6.Mil does not understand the difference between URGENT and not urgent

7.When MIL wants something, she wants it NOW! No matter how unfeasible NOW may be

8.MIL cares nothing for logistics

9.Only MIL’s and LUMP’s conveniences and wants matter; this does not work in the real world! Other things take precedence

10.MIL does not understand the defining line between family and personal slaves

11.If it has to do with anyone or anything, Mil will find a way to interject the unholy trio into every situation

12.MIL does not understand that no matter how hard you push someone they are bound to push back and the consequences may be fatal

13.MIL has no concept of forcing people to constantly jump at her beck and call lowers her chances of “those people” actually doing the jumping

14.By forcing an unwanted guest onto “those people” makes “those people” not want the unwanted person around at all

15.Not everyone misses Your Sister, hell at this point, some of us are THRILLED that we never got to meet her in the first place; Weak women are not my cuppa. I find them useless and pathetic; wait, that is how I feel about your sister and her spawn to begin with!

16.Not everyone is a fan of LUMP and are willing to bend over backwards for her, least of all us. You may consider her witty and wise, we know her for the self centered fool she is; You are blind to her, but we see her clearly

17.MIL considers herself LUMP’s “other mother”… Uh, excuse me, you are her AUNT! That is not your UNIT, it belongs to 2 other people; face facts; yet it took arguing with you to recognize your DIL’s son as your grandson? and you do not feel your DIL is also your daughter? what am I, oh yeah, right sorry mazza, I is your slave.. UH NO!!! LUMP is your only daughter? alrighty then, have at it. but on that I consider you my employer, so biatch, where my money at? you owe me back wages….

18.Being her other mother does not make her your daughter. She had a mother; you can not usurp her or take her place no matter how indulgent you are to LUMP. You DID HOWEVER have a SON, don’t forget that fact. He may not want a sibling at this stage of the game… you do have a DIL that you are shoving away. Remember your son, DIL and grandchildren have say on your future.. Need we say HOME???!!!!

19. You are costing yourself a son, DIL, and grandchildren in exchange for LUMP, who is not your meal ticket, and will leave you one day

20.You consider LUMP your daughter, but your DIL your person slave girl; how does that work? Remember slaves do revolt one day. that day is TODAY!

21.Jewish grandmother guilt does not work on your son, grandson and least of all your DIL; Your DIL is a master at it and weilds it like a sword. Give up!

22.Crocodile tears will get you nothing and only give us headaches. You could care less, you only want what you want, regardless the cost. We do not fall for it

23.You can not invite yourself to dinner when your son and DIL go on a date

24.When your son and DIL do invite you to dinner, for a mothers’ only holiday, or just because they want to, you can not immediately invite LUMP, she can do something nice for you on her own time if she chooses

25.Dwelling on the negative memories of the past forces us to avoid all conversations with you

26.Asking gets you far more than demanding

27.When someone asks you to keep something to yourself, do it… we know it will kill you, but there may be reasons

28.When someone gives you a gift, do not say it is from anyone else but the giver

29.When your Son, DIL and/or Grandson tell you NO! It’s NO! It is not open for discussion; we will not change our minds no matter how hard you cry. It is also not the opening volley to start a ridiculous war

30.When you have money, do not spend every last cent before you cover the necessities like bills, mortgages. QVC, HSN and the lot will not go out of business without your orders

31. When you have a DIl who was previously married and has a child from that marriage, this child is part of the package and IS your grandchild as well

32. Gifts come with no strings attached nor do they have ulterior motives, they are gifts, plain and simple; thoughtful gestures for one person or, family or couple. They are not opportunities to fulfil your promises to someone else in the bargain. That was the main scope of the offered gift, to take LUMP somewhere you promised to take her, not give a gift to the person whom you offered it to. It is not a treat for ME!

33. When you do give a personal gift, do not ever throw said gift in the receiver’s face, and especially do not throw it constantly

34. Later never comes, so do not bargain with offers of future help if only we will drop everything to help you NOW! We need NOW to finish readying for BUMP

35. We can see through you; We know your game and we can and will out wit you and thwart you. You have given us far too much practice. You will always lose!

36. If you want to go somewhere special, say to visit your deceased husband’s grave, tell us, don’t make us play Kreskin…

37. Do not bitch how you are never invited to go places with your son and his family. If you would ever be ready on time, instead of sitting in your bed clothes, smoking fags and watching telly instead of ready to leave, we would invite you, but your track record for never being ready and never being on time really does make us all stop and question if it is worth asking you anywhere

38. When your son and DIL want somethig to be private, that does not mean we actually want a three ring circus, there is time for that later…

39. Private means just those necessary to carry something out.. not you and everyone else as entourage

40. GROW SOME EARS AND EYES; in village of idiots, you are queen.. Stop acting like an oblivious asshat before it’s too late, and honi, time is running out

We tried to warn her that listening to her attorney was not a good idea… That she should go to trial with her case and get a better offer..

But NOOOOO, MIL listens to her attorney who is afraid of court and takes the first offer.. she has lost so much in the past 7 years since her accident that there truely is no amount that will compensate her for her injuries and losses..

But, before I could argue her case for her so that she could present the argument to her attorney and have a better chance of walking away with 7 digits, she walked with next to nothing…

And now she is hell bent on spending every last cent before the ink is dry..

MIL, grow some ears..

We want nothing from you from this settlement. Your so called gifts come with too heavy a price..

MIL, Grow some ears…

What we want and need from you is your love, and to be treated as humans, not servants…

MIL, grow some ears….

WE DO NOT WANT TO HEAR ALL THINGS LUMP, all the time on MIL-CHAN, nor do we want to hear about those who spawned it….

MIL grow some ears…..

You are about to become a new grandmother, stop ignoring BUMP in favor of LUMP!! Stop ignoring your SON, before he informs you that you no longer have a son…..

MIL, STFU and grow some ears, shit grow some eyes as well.. No one wants to be inundated with LUMP, you have caused all of us to form a severe dislike to this kid..

MIL, grow some ears/ eyes..